From The Greatest Article Of Our Time, the detail of the year.
Complete with my woefully inadequate commentary from the breweries on my phone. Reporting! These are just the good ones.
Rogue Dead Guy Ale: 4 / 5. Really nice standard ale.
Rogue Chatoe Rogue Dirtoir Lager: 3.5/5. Smoky.
Ninkasi TD IPA: 3.5/5. Crisp, hoppy. Solid.
Amnesia Slow Train Porter: 3.5, maybe 4. Really nice. From a great, tiny brewery playing country music.
Amnesia Dubble Whammy: 4.5/5. Holy shit. Great flavor/mouth-feel. A touch of sweetness, not too heavy.
Hair of the Dog Lila: 4 / 5, amazingly spicy lager.
Hair of the Dog Ruth: 3.5/5. Slighty hoppy pale ale.
Hair of the Dog Blue Dot: 3.5/5. Smooth, subtle double IPA.
Hair of the Dog Adam from the Wood ‘11: Hard to rate, huge flavor but I don’t like cask beers. You’ll like it.
Hair of the Dog Adam: 5/5! Rich, chocolately. High abv but not overwhelming. Stick to one.
Cascade Strawberry Cream: 4 / 5. Delicious.
Cascade Rasberry Wheat: 4 / 5, super nice.
Cascade Cinnamon Quad: 4 / 5, oh, sure.
Collaborator Steel Bridge Porter: 4.5/5. Smooth, smoky, rich.
Caldera IPA: 3.5/5. Nice mouthfeel, very drinkable.
Heater Allen Smoky Bob Rauchbier: 3.5/5. Insane smoked (salmon) flavor. Pretty wild stuff.
Elysian Split Shot Espresso Milk Stout - 4.5/5, Super awesome. Tastes like a latte.
Southern Oregon Woodshed Red - 4 / 5, for sure.
I spent the last week on vacation in Portland with my fiancee. There are other places we could’ve gone — Hawaii, perhaps, or the south of France — but we had an unparalleled week in the City of Roses. Make fun of it all you want, but Portlandia is, in fact, a bohemian paradise right now. I promise not to tell if you won’t. Here’s what impressed me most.
The Ace Hotel: Pro-tip: stay in a room without a bathroom. You save $50+ a night and since everyone else has a bathroom, the floor shared shower/stall is always empty. (Second pro-tip: you’re probably going to pee in the in-room sink a few times. Don’t stress about it.)
Everything next door to the Ace: Stumptown Coffee, Clyde Commons, Kenny and Zuke’s. You could spend days just eating and drinking here and be very happy with your trip. Props to Kenny and Zuke’s for incredible lox and bagels and almost — almost! — L.A.-topping pastrami. Skip the blintzes, they’re weird.
Tasty N Sons: We had an absolutely incredible small plates lunch, including a sausage/polenta dish and ice cream-dipped french toast. They had a tendency to add fried egg to everything, which is fine by me.
Little Bird: Semi-casual fine dining at its best. Exquisite service. They did, indeed, put a bird on it, but when that bird is the best duck breast I’ve ever had, I can handle it. Kudos for the flawless portion sizes, which allowed us to eat a salad and a side of unreal mushrooms without being stuffed for the mid-size entrees.
Bailey’s Tap Room: Best beer bar in town. Heavy on local selections. 20 taps, knowledgable bartenders, really great offerings — and absurdly low prices. Plus a useful digital board which tells you which kegs are almost tapped out.
Taking the bus: It’s pretty chill to get from the vicinity of the Ace across the river and over to Hawthorne or the main drag of your choice.
Bunk Bar: A reasonable good bar and performance space, but an incredible sandwich shop. See also the Bunk restaurant proper, which we didn’t make it out to.
Hair of the Dog Brewery: Outstanding offerings, notably the dark, thick Adam.
Cascade Brewery: They specialize in sours. Be brave.
Rogue Brewery: More predictable but some nice offerings. Really good food.
East Side Delicatessen: An Italian-style sandwich shop. Enormous, dinosaur-sized sandwiches. Quite good.
Hot Lips Pizza: Great thin crust pizza, greater homemade fruit sodas.
Walking: You can do that pretty much everywhere here! Enjoy.
Ground Kontrol: Has a killer cider on tap at the moment. All classic arcade games, ranging from Galaga to shit I played at Round Table Pizza in 1995. A lot of fun.
Voodoo Donuts: The only place we went all week with a line. Worth it. A lot of weirdo offerings, but you want the maple bacon bar.
Amnesia Brewing: Worth it for the Dubble Whammy alone. Also the old-school country music. It’s right next to…
Mississippi Pizza: Home of hipster bingo. Super-silly. Super-fun.
W Burnside/NW Everett: Nice little westside neighborhood. Home to cool vintage stores, ice cream places, etc.
SE Hawthorne: Another great walk. Full of bars, restaurants, vintage shops and an absurd, kombucha-selling herb store.
Food carts: They’re all over the west side. The best we tried was Brunchbox, which offers $5 gourmet-level burgers and breakfast sandwiches.
In conclusion: Portlandia is funny because it rings really true, but in ways that make me want to move here. The downside of locally sourced, organic, sustainable food, after all: eating it is great! For everybody! Well, maybe not the chicken.
Today, we had lunch at Tasty N Sons (DELICIOUS) and drove around NE and SE Portland (GORGEOUS/AFFORDABLE) and ate Voodoo Donuts and played ironic bingo and drank delicious local beers and basically decided to move here in a year when my future wife runs out her job contract.
(And hung out with [my friend?!] a former indie rock singer who was great and generous and drove us near Malkmus’ old house and I don’t want to #humblebrag about but you probably have one of his records.)
Now we’re waiting for a grilled cheese room service and we’re going to watch “Mad Men.”
Going to eat the shit out of you, Voodoo Donuts. Join me!